Simple Rules for the Committed Man

During one of those “kulitan” sessions I had with my officemates, we identified some rules which a committed man should strictly follow in order to maintain a balanced and well-managed relationship. Here’s my version of the rules:

1. Always maintain a timid and innocent image.

2. Never get caught.

3. If caught, assess the situation and apply any of the following options, preferably in the order appearing below:

a) Deny;
b) Blame others; or
c) Admit to a lesser act but implicate others.

In keeping with the objective of these rules, it is highly encouraged that option 3(c) above be resorted to only when forgivable acts of lesser gravity than that actually committed are available for admission or when there is an element of coercion however minimal; otherwise, always resort to option 3(a).

4. Honesty is overrated; believe in the saving power of a lie, but use it sparingly and wisely.

Rationale behind Rule No. 1: Simple. Recall quips and comments such as “Really? He doesn’t look like someone who’d do such a thing.” or “He couldn’t even hurt a fly.” or “He didn’t strike me as someone who’d fool around.”

Rationale behind Rule No. 2: Ever heard of the saying “To see is to believe.”? Yes, it applies here as well. Regardless of how much women are addicted to gossips and rumors, they also take it with a grain of salt once they’re the ones involved.

Rationale behind Rule No. 3: Here we have to thank law for giving us the basic right to due process and the presumption of innocence. For this to work perfectly, one must have a good sense of creativity and imagination coupled with masterful debating and acting skills. Enough said.

Rationale behind Rule No. 4: Never believe a woman when she pleads for the truth in exchange for a pardon or a commutation of sentence. That is a lie. And since they lie about that, men should be allowed to lie in response to a lie. What’s that saying again, “lie for a lie, tooth for a tooth”?